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How to charge a mobile phone, and die twice

Did you know (it says in these stray packets we illegally intercepted) that "you can fast charge most Nokia and Motorola handsets by placing them on the live London Underground rails for just 20 seconds?"

Sniffer has no doubt at all that this is a really stupid, stupid idea. London Underground rails are direct current at 630V; touch that rail, and not only do you fry, but you can't move away - your muscles will be paralysed. So the fact that a train will mow you down inside ten minutes is the least of your worries.

But if you are a mutant superhero, it might just work, says our informant. His thesis:

"It's a quirk of the battery design. Both of these manufacturers have designed parallel electrodes into their Lithium Ion Polymer technology batteries that have a spacing which is an exact multiple of the frequency used for power distribution on the London Underground."

Normally that would be insignificant, but the level of current flow that's needed to power an underground train is sufficiently massive to induce a voltage of 3.8V directly onto the low ESR terminals of the battery, which is exactly what you would need for the ultimate fast charge.

Whatever you do, don't try it with counterfeit batteries. Many of them have a much closer electrode spacing, which could induce up to 20V causing the battery and handset to explode.

Final note. This IS A JOKE. Don't try it at home, don't try it on any rail system in the world, and specifically, don't try it on the London Underground. Apart from the inevitable death component of the operation, you'd get your trousers horribly mucky from the fine grey dust that covers all parts of those tunnels ...

And if you believe a word of it, then collect your Darwin Award ...